Dear Ms Nicki Minaj,
I write to you concerning a concerning concern. I am concerned.
Here’s the deal. I used to think Lady Gaga was 100% pushing the boundaries of pop. But you, Nicki Minaj, GURL, are making her look like 60% boundary pushing. Perhaps even 50%.
She is only at passport control while you’re sailing through to hotel check in on the back of a luggage cart. With no brakes. Waving. Waving at Gaga. And Madonna behind her of course. Way behind her.
So here is the crux. You, you Ms Minaj are WACK.
Wack in the amazatron sense. Your look is wack, your albums are wack and your tweets are even wacker. On the wackter scale you’re off the flippin’ charts bebé!
Riddle me this: if I thought Lady Gaga was extreme, and your extremeness desensitised me to meat dresses and weird horn prosthetics, to what level of loon does Lady Gaga now have to take it? Does she literally have to be mad?
I am not only concerned but also worried.
Kind regards,
Jack Wallington
Dear Tim Cook and Mark Zuckerberg,
Now I’m not blaming either of you personally but as the CEOs of Apple and Facebook I think you’ll agree that you must take some responsibility.
I own an iPhone 4 – I know! Embarrassing it isn’t a 4S but still… – and I’ve spotted the Facebook app getting noticeably slower. I’ve lost some seriously witty status updates because of this. My friendship group may have taken an as yet undetermined hit as a result.
Mr Zuckerberg, I suspect it is the Facebook app causing these issues. However I can’t rule out my conspiracy theory (aka the truth) that Apple intentionally slows its products down forcing us to upgrade every few months. We all know 
Mr Cook and Mr Zuckerberg please can you investigate and respond ASAP. I dread to think how many lives this is affecting now that 200% of the world’s population uses Facebook on mobile.
Kind regards,
Jack Wallington
P.S. Tim, man to man, free upgrades for life will shut me up. I can be bought.
Dear Mr William Dreyer (deceased),
Just a short note in memory of you to thank you for creating Rocky Road icecream, which of course led to Rocky Road Marks & Spencer bites (even if you may or may not have stolen the recipe from your friend – I for one don’t believe the rumours). From the bottom of my heart, thank you.
Almonds and marshmallow wrapped in lashings of chocolate. You really knew what you were doing, didn’t you? You minx!
I enclose the below picture in fond memory of Rocky Road Marks & Spencer bites, a pack of which I consumed greedily only twenty minutes ago (between you and me, I’m also about to go and eat a crumpet!)
However it’s with a sense of regret that I have to be the one to inform you that some people, some people have been adding raisins. Raisins! I know what you’re thinking: who the hell likes raisins?! Well Mr Dreyer, I’ll tell you what you already know: no one likes raisins.
Kind regards,
Jack Wallington
Dear Liam Tancock,
Congratulations on being an Olympic gold medalist and for your recent deal with Speedos.
I came across the picture of you on the right in Metro newspaper the other day. Don’t take this the wrong way but I hadn’t heard of you before because I don’t really follow swimming events. The article about you did make me wonder about your name though.
I’m not expecting you to know the answer to this right away but thought you’re probably the best place to start.
Does the surname Tancock come from tanning cockerals or from simply seeing tan coloured cockerals?
I suspect the latter because it seems unethical to tan cockerals. I enclose a picture of a tan coloured cock. Seeing this, do you think it would be unethical to tan him?
Hoping for a reply in posthaste.
Kind regards,
Jack Wallington
Dear slow people,
Jog on.
Kind regards,
Jack Wallington
Dear Robyn! Wilder!,
I read with great interest your post on pasties and your disdain for them. While I often agree with you on many subjects such as your hate of Eastenders and love of Flipper, I cannot agree with you on this issue.
If the deliciousness of freshly baked pastry is not good enough, the existence of chocolate filled pasties nullifies your argument entirely. No one can claim to not love chocolate filled pastry. If someone does, they are to be pitied.
On these grounds I would urge you to reconsider your views.
Kind regards,
Jack Wallington
Dear Cheryl Cole,
I’m writing to let you know that I very much enjoyed your new video for “Call My Name” (enclosed for ease of reference). Have you thought of renaming the song “Cole My Name”? I have.
If you were to ask me to rate the video I’d definitely give the opening 51 seconds a perfect 10/10 and the rest of the video a near perfect 9.5/10.
Your pineapple coloured baggy trousers from Camden Market are particularly en vogue. Although I can’t help but notice you wear the trousers in one part of the video and when wearing the matching jacket you appear to have lost the trousers. I hope you find them again.
Kind regards,
Jack Wallington
P.s. Have you considered changing your surname back to ‘Tweedy’? It’s more unique than ‘Cole’ or your new thing of not having a surname. Without a surname people might thing you are Cheryl Baker.